Nothing to lose, Eternity to gain

These thoughts came upon my mind today while listening to Jesus Culture and letting my mind wander. It is the same thing I wanted to speak when we came back from South Dakota while we were giving testimonies but it wasn't my place to speak.

Abba has impressed on my heart how crucial freedom from this world is for a Christian. In church we go through the motions of what is appropriate for that church. If we feel the need to dance or jump around or sing in tongues, we do so haltingly, wondering what others will think. In our homes, if we are the only Christian, we hesitate in bringing out our Bibles or playing worship music, wondering what our parents or siblings will think. In work, we hesitate in sharing details of our mission, wondering what others will say, what if they call me a freak. Among fellow Christian friends, we wonder if we are the only one who can do this or that and we feel a burden to them for wanting to talk only about God and His works.

We fear being persecuted, but for what reason?

What is the worst they can do to us?

Our pastors can be mad at us for moving the pews and altars so we have room to dance, jump around. They can be mad that we sing out in tongues and randomly go up to others to pray. The worst they can do is tell us no and if we continue to do Abba's will the worst they can do is tell us to leave. There are hundreds of churches and our Church family understands and will interject and love us.

They can call us names and beat us but God's Agape love will rise up in us making us feel compassion for them.

They can kick us out of our home, job, college, etc. but we have fellow Christ family members who will gladly open their homes to us and help us find a new job, a new college, a supporting family we can grow in.

They can kill us, either by accident as they are beating us or on purpose for coming into their country sharing God but what will that do? We get to sit at the feet of our Father praising Him for eternity!

Abba has impressed this on my heart, even more so, because of events that have been happening since I came home from my mission in South Dakota. The oppression and persecution has grown ten times since I have been home. And I will say it: knowing I have my spiritual parents to go to, knowing that I still have Abba, yes it is what is keeping me from giving into the voices and dreams. Like Chris P said, it is demonic. I will say it, it still hurts. It makes me weep and wonder why it must be this way for me right now. But I know that I can go to my spiritual parents or to Chris and his wife.

With this life, I have nothing lose... only eternity to gain.

Poem of the Unknown

This will be the worst poem I've ever written. It is a poem I wrote on September 12th, 2012, when I was saved. I was originally going to send it to my spiritual mother but it still sits, in my email drafts. It was meant to show her who I was, who I still was, even after accepting Christ, what the enemy will use to break me. After my baptism, it became clear I needed to let it out into the open. And now after South Dakota, I know unless others know, it will be the enemy's weapon against me. 

Never raised with a source of light

Each day, living became a fight

Take each blow and wait for the end

Watch all this blood flow to the bed

“You’re nothing, no one will love you”

Use Mom’s makeup, cover the black and blue

Smile, pretend it is completely fine

Long sleeves, no one sees the red lines

She has a knife, look at his throat

Pills, alcohol, steel… my way to cope

Hide in the corner, eyes made black

Perfect GPA, smiles, great false mask

Fourteen days behind these bars

So stupid, they found the scars

Come back out, ready for the end

Bottle of Aleve, I’m alive, so stupid

Graduate and no one knows the real me

People look but I won’t let them see

I’m just a simple broken girl

I’m lost, unloved, don’t belong in this world

Persecute Me

This is a long blog on my faith.

Few people know me since I've graduated high school in 2009. Those from my church know me best. Only my close friends know that I was saved September 12th, 2012. I have been clean from my old ways (cutting, self-harm, suicidal attempts, anorexia, pill-popping) since September 21st, 2012. Even fewer people know how I am since I've been baptized on April 28th 2013. I can count on one hand the people who truly know how I am currently, how much It burns inside. This blog is going to be uncensored, raw and full of tears.

So many people in church, since the day I was saved, have told me how awesome I am, how spiritually mature I am, how in love with God I am. I would always shake my head and shrug it off. Because only I knew the truth. The only time I would experience God would be in church. The only time I would feel God outside of church is if I was with Cheri and Don (who later because my spiritual parents). No matter what I did, I couldn't get close to God. I had no idea why.

My walk with God was like walking on glass. I would constantly struggle, with trying to see Him, with spiritual attacks, with my old self wanting my old ways. I asked my one Christian friend "Is this all that being a Christian is? Fighting old ways and failing?"

I didn't see the point in it. If God was so great, why was I suffering so much? Why did I still hurt, still GET hurt and feel worthless? Where was the joy and peace I was to encounter? Where was God?

Everyday in church I would go thru the motions and sing the songs. But there were just words. One Christian song words it well, how I viewed singing and church. "I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page." (Addison Road, What do I know of Holy)

All the talk of grace, of peace, of love and freedom... I took it as a personal attack and blow to my heart because I had anything BUT that. I was still a tortured soul wondering when I would be free and happy like all of those around me.

I wanted to stand up and scream, "If this is all true then why is Satan still winning?!?"

Everything seemed to be against me. My dad lost his job. I almost got raped at a Halloween party at my church. Just when I thought I would break on November 29th, my family got a phone call: my Pape had a stroke and wasn't responding.

When I got to the hospital with my folks, my Pape wasn't even there with us in reality. He was screaming in pain. To condense it, my friend Brody and his Mom came out to the hospital and stayed with me, awake, all night until 7am. They told us he was stable and we could go home to sleep. At 10:26am my Pape died. The odd thing was I felt nothing but peace until I got to the room where he was. I sank into a deep depression yet my heart was changed because I experienced, even though so brief, the peace people spoke of.

After that I tried everything to experience it again. I got word of a mission trip to Kentucky to a girl's group home in December. I went and everything changed.

I was able to help a young girl accept Christ into her life. As she did that, I re-dedicated my life to Him. I literally heard Him say, "This is my Daughter and I am so fond of her."

After we got back, everything clicked. I found Christian Leadership University. Abba led me to ask Don and Cheri to be my mentors for college... with that they have become my spiritual parents. I learned how to two-way journal to talk with God. I began having visions which at first scared the crap out of me.

Now for the event which has completely changed me...

I just recently (June 14-22) got back from a mission trip to South Dakota to Pine Ridge Reservation. While I was out there we had church service where we all experienced the Holy Spirit and had healings of the heart. While it was occurring, I couldn't talk to anyone, all I could do was weep and shake. After service ended, I went to Cheri, stuttering and unable to form words. She laughed and held me, praying in the Spirit and Abba spoke to me, begging me to rid myself of fear and trust Him. I began speaking in tongues, with Cheri. After that He gave me the power to make storms move away and the wind to cease. He gave me the power to cast a demon out of a guy. He gave me the ability to show others how to anoint in His name and make miracles happen using His name. All of this I did using His name.

Since then I have found myself no longer fearful. I am not afraid of what Abba gives me, in the sense of gifts. I now dance and sing with abandon for Him. I read my Bible in front of my co-workers and my parents. I am speaking of God to my parents. Anyone who knows me knows how afraid I am of being judged, of being yelled at, of losing my relationship with my parents.

I was given the chance to speak on Sunday at church about my experiences in South Dakota. As this note shows, I cannot even come close to wording it. How do you explain the secret place? How do you explain speaking in tongues, having visions, making storms move in the name of Jesus Christ?

All I know is this:

I will not settle for less than what I know can  and WILL be mine. I know my parents will be saved. I know what freedom tastes like. I know what I can do with the name of Jesus Christ as my strength. I refuse to sit back and be idle. He has erased my fear. He has gifted me, a girl who used to cut, attempt suicide, be depressed and be abused for 13 years and mock the name of God, He has gifted me so deeply. I can never thank Him enough. Maybe surrending my life to His will might come close.

Am I still scared? Yes, I am scared to death. But there is a peace in me, a fire burning that is relentless until I just act. Am I scared of what my dad will do to me? Yes. Am I scared of being without friends and family? More than ever. But I know if I am to die for my faith or if I am to be alone on the streets because I cannot be silent about God, I know He will be there with me, holding me in His arms like He is right now as I sit here in my room crying, writing this.

To those who read this and laugh... I say persecute me. In the end, I have eternity with God and I CANNOT be silenced.

To Chris Pick, thank you for praying with me after church Sunday for peace. I will message you sometime with an update.

To Michelle Pick, thank you for being my Mom figure at Pine Ridge. Your presence was a comfort.

To Cheri and Don, though they will never see this, thank you for being a strong conduit for God to speak thru you to me. For being parents to me... I am unable to go to mine. I don't call you Mom and Dad just because... I view you guys as my parents.

To Cheri, especially, thank you for the hours of praying over me. You mean more to me than you will ever know.